Deborah James: To see myself like this now, it’s heartbreaking

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Deborah James: To see myself like this now, it’s heartbreaking

Deborah James in addition to fighting her greatest enemy; cancer, she also has problems accepting this disease and it is not easy for her to see herself in this condition. "Dying is really hard. I’ve been consumed by anger this week, in all honesty, I’ve been a real b***h.

I keep shouting at people and pushing them away. I’m angry at what’s happening to me. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my friends to see me like this. I don’t want them to remember me this way."- she said, as quoted by ok.

She is still struggling and giving her best, but it is hard for her to see herself in this state. "I’m still doing this my way. I’m frustrated with my situation because I don’t want to die. I don’t think I will ever really accept it.

"I was given days, to a week, to live when I left the hospital. But I’m still here. "I don’t really believe that it’s ­happening. It all feels like a horrible joke. Watching the demise of my body is really, really sad.

"I was someone who, even for most of my time living with cancer, was fit and healthy. So to see myself like this now, it’s heartbreaking."

James on death

James thinks a lot about death and what follows. It seems to be her main thought, but she still has her goals and tries to spend time with family and help others.

"There’s no blueprint to how you’re going to feel when you’re dying. Emotions change, second by ­second, hour by hour. I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect. "It’s a really scary thing to face, I’m only 40, and it’s heartbreaking knowing what I am leaving behind.

"What’s really hard is that no one talks about death, we don’t really know what happens or how we’re meant to navigate it. "Death is life’s last taboo. I hope that by talking about it a bit, I might bring some comfort to others.

People might look at me and think, ‘Just spend time with your family.’ "They might question why I’m doing all this — the book launch, the T-shirts, raising money for my BowelBabe Fund. The truth is, it’s giving me purpose in my final days.

"It’s amazing what you can do with a deadline — the ultimate one. And my family are all a part of this with me. We’re doing it our way."